Saturday, November 05, 2011

Blast of Iman

I feel like I am at a crossroad, among one of the crossroads of my life. A decision has to be made. A very eminent one. One that will affect most importantly my Iman and after that, the lives of those I love most. It will definitely affect my life, but I think I can bear with that. I might have to suffer for awhile to adjust to the changes I will go through but to think of the misery that I will bring to the people I love... THAT I don't think I can endure.

But... to be stuck HERE is not an option. 

Have you ever felt lost like you can't be saved any more? Despair is a very very very cruel emotion. It can make you feel like you are stuck in the deepest of the deepest ocean. No one will want to save you because trying will only mean risking their life. You feel like giving up, to give out your last breath and surrender to the darkness of the sea and ultimately the blackness of death.

Ever so suddenly a rush of air was blasted into your lungs. You will gulp that precious whirl of air greedily, ferociously, savagely... because your very life depends on it.

What if it was your Faith that is in that deep dark sea of sins and ignorance? And that blast of air was a blast of Hidayah to your soul that will  increase your Iman and save you from the blackness of hell fire?

I think it is time I force myself to take that gulp. It feels like this will be my last chance to rise up to the surface and beyond... and even if it isn't my last, I don't think I want to risk putting my Faith on  the edge again...

Bismillahi tawakkaltu a'lallah!

I am strong only because Allah put me right here, right now. He knows I am strong enough for whatever He puts me through.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Saturday, July 23, 2011

It feels like Deja Vu

Sometimes I just wish I could turn back time and erase every mistake I did, every hurtful word I have said, every bad choice I have made.

I keep telling myself that I am strong.

But everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

And everyone wants to know they're not alone.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Real life doctor

This entry will be alternating between Malay, English and Manglish. Kalau rasa tak suka baca bahasa campur aduk dalam satu entry, sila jangan proceed ye.

It has been more than 5 months. 5 months of life revolving around me but me having no life. It you get what I mean. 

Saya wonder, bila orang awam (ie mereka yang pekerjaannya tak terlibat dalam bidang perubatan seperti nurse, dietician, pharmacist, even cleaner dekat hospital) tengok doktor, apa yang mereka fikirkan? Gah, glamour, gaji besar, hidup senang? 

The reality is, we work like slaves. And if we don't have family members (thank you husband, family and in-laws!) who understand the hecticness of our job, the tiredness at the end of the day, the feeling of wanting to quit and do something else but still persisting because responsible adults don't quit half way - I don't think I could have even completed even a month of housemanship.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Imam As-Syafie, may Allah bless your soul.

If a man spreads his secret with his own tongue
and blames another... then he is a fool.
If his own breast is too narrow to conceal his own secret,
Then the breast of the one in whom he places it is even narrower.

Part from the days where you used to do as you wish
And restrain your soul when the decree of Allah is ordained
And don't despair over the events of the past
For none of the events of the dunya were ever meant to remain
And be a man who is firm upon his affairs
And whose character is that of pardoning and nobility
And there is no sadness or happiness that is continuous
Just as there is there is no comfort or pain
If you are a person who is satisfied with what he has
Then you and the owner of all possessions are equal
And upon he who's open valley death descends upon
Then there is no earth or sky to protect you from it
And the earth of Allah is vast but
When the ordainment of Allah descends even the open valley congests.

~ Imam Shafi

Just so that I won't forget.

O Allah, O Karim,
Please have mercy on me,

O Allah, O Karim,
Please forgive me for the sins I committed in the past
And those I will commit in the future.

O Allah,
Have mercy on all the Muslimeen,
And guide them.
Guide me O Allah,
And guide my parents,
My siblings, my cousins,
My aunts and uncles,
My nephews and nieces and so forth.

O Allah,
I ask You to strengthen my iman and those around me.
I ask You to soften my heart
And to soften the hearts of the believers.

O Allah,
Forgive me for my shortcomings, for only You are perfect.

O Allah,
Please forgive me if I ever got too wrapped in a matter
That I didn’t have time to utter Your name.

O Allah,
Please forgive me for all the salat I missed
Because of ignorance or laziness,
Please forgive me for all the fasts I didn’t make up,
Thinking it was “alright, since I fasted most of the days anyway”.

O Allah,
Please forgive me
For the pound I never dropped into the metal cup for the homeless man begging on the street.

O Allah,
Please spark the love of Islam in my heart and in the hearts of every single Muslim
Until it gets implanted in their children and their children’s children and so on.

O Allah,
I ask that You help me for I am weak
And will only grow stronger by Your strength,
So Allah please strengthen me
To fight Shaytaan and his whispers.
And if I ever fell into his trap
And followed my desirer,
Then sincerely forgive me,
For that displays not only my weakness,
But Your greatness as well.

O Allah,
Please lighten the punishment in the grave
For those before us and those after us.
Please Allah, lighten the punishment
And please shed light into every Muslim’s grave.

O Allah,
If I ever was too afraid
To stand up for Your deen
Because of what others would think
Then forgive me, for I was a fool for doing so.

O Allah,
Please protect me and each Muslim,
And protect especially the orphans and the widows.

O Allah,
Please strengthen the faith
Of the destitute Muslims around the world,
So they have hope to live.

O Allah,
If I ever forgot to do dua for even one suffering Muslim,
Then forgive me for then it is, as I haven’t done dua for the entire ummah.

O Allah,
Please be the light of my eyes, ears and heart.

O Allah,
Please be the light on the sides of me
And the light behind me
And the light in front of me.

O Allah,
Please forgive me
For all the foul words I spoke
Either out of ignorance or
Because I was trying to be “cool”.

O Allah,
Please forgive me
If I never stopped to think about You,
Due to “other important things”

O Allah,
Please forgive me
For not having enough time
Or creating time for reading the Quran.

O Allah,
Please forgive me
For listening to music
And watching movies and t.v.

O Allah,
Please forgive me
For all the yelling I’ve done
And the arguments I’ve been in.
For the only time
The voice should be raised
Is for Your praises!

O Allah,
Please forgive me
For my disrespect towards my family,
Elders, siblings and so on.

O Allah,
Please forgive me for any backbiting I have been accused of,
Whether I did it consciously or unconsciously.

O Allah, Rab al-Alamin,
Forgive me,
Forgive me for everything.
So for everyone,
Every single Muslim,
Dead or alive,
I do dua that You forgive them for all their sins.

O Allah,
Please please please
Help the suffering Muslims 
of Kashmir, Palestine, Chechnya,
Bosnia, Gujarat, Nigeria,
Iraq, Afghanistan and everywhere around the world.
Please O Allah, make the Mujahideen victorious,
And let the beauty of Islam reign!

O Allah, give victory to the Muslims!
O Allah, please let true Islam reign!
O Allah, please increase our knowledge of Your deen and this world.

O Allah,
Please help us all and guide us,
For You are everything to us.

O Allah,
I cannot stress how much I ask for Your forgiveness and Your guidance.

O Allah,
I fear You
I fear You soooo much words cannot describe.
I fear the day when I will meet You,
And I WILL meet You.
When we are one on one,
And I have no one’s help or support.
No one can take the blame for me
Nor I for them.
The only thing I will have
Is a little book given to me by You
That has my deeds.

O Allah,
Please forgive me for my thoughts,
For even though I get sinned for my actions,
I cannot help but feel guilty for my thought
And I ask You to forgive me for them
And to clear my mind of any impurities
Until You become the only thing on my mind.

O Allah,
Please forgive me
If I ever did anything out of gain
For this life and not for Your pleasure.
If I did anything to “show off”
Then please forgive me for that.

O Allah,
I do dua that You grant us all God-fearing spouses
And grant us righteous children.

O Allah,
I do dua that You continue to strengthen this ummah until the Day of Resurrection.

O Allah,
Forgive me for whatever I have not mentioned,
For I am bound to forget
…but You,
through Your greatness…
You never forget.

O Allah,
Please grant all the Muslims Jannah-tul-Firdaus.

O Allah,
I ask that You shed Your mercy
On all the Prophets (peace be upon them)
And on all the Angels (peace be upon them).
Lastly, I do dua
You shed Your mercy
On the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him),
His family and companions.
I do dua that You grant Muhammad
The highest station in paradise.

Rabinna Aataina
Fiduniya Hasinathow
Wa Fil Akhirati Hasinathow,
Wakina Adhab innar


Monday, January 24, 2011

A new world, the first step.

And all hours long, the town

Roars like a beast in a cave

That is wounded there

And like to drown;

While days rush, wave after wave

On its lair.

An invisible woe unseals

The flood, so it passes beyond

All bounds: the great old city

Recumbent roars as it feels

The foamy paw of the pond

Reach from immensity.

But all that it can do

Now, as the tide rises,

Is to listen and hear the grim

Waves crash like thunder through

The splintered streets, hear noises

Roll hollow in the interim.

I need You by my side. Please God. Bismillah.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Pursuit of happyyyyness

It is easier to whine and blame everyone else for your woes. But where does it get you?

This is my life and I CHOOSE to be happy.

Change starts NOW!

Sending happy vibes and looooove to all~


Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Bahasa Jiwa Bangsa

I am first and foremost a Muslim! Who was born a Malay and who is proud of her Malaysian Malay heritage and language but prefers to talk and write in English if she can. 

No, I am not trying to be someone I'm not nor am I degrading the dignity of my culture. For me, it is merely an extension of my personality nor does it have anything to do with the pride of my people. 

If you were to tell me that the Malay language would be banished as the current official language of Malaysia and that it would not be compulsory for the younger generation to know the language to be called a Malaysian citizen - believe me, I would instantly go on a riot, bring the news to the parliament and totally make a big deal out it!

However, we have to understand that being proud of your language has nothing to do with how frequent you use it but it has everything to do with how well you know it. To stereotypically judge someone as being unpatriotic just because he/she chooses to speak in English is abominable. 

Sadly, on the other end of the spectrum, there are people who look down upon those who choose to write and speak in Malay. It seems that there is a popular notion that having the ability to speak and write well in English seems to be a cool trend to follow and those who go against the flow will always be viewed as freaks of nature - which I personally think is uncalled for and absolutely stupid!

To put it simply, there is nothing wrong in writing and speaking English if you were born a Malay (or Chinese and Indian for that matter) nor is there anything shameful about impressively writing and speaking in Malay either. The point is to know and be proud of your heritage but at the same time to be comfortable standing in your own shoes and shining your own personality.

I can perfectly write in Malay, when I feel like it! ^_^

Oh and evidently, I would also love to master the Arabic language in the future, insyaAllah!


Sunday, January 02, 2011

Crisp and clean

The start of a new year always leave me with a feeling of positive anticipation. It's like stepping into a new world where every possibility is there for us to achieve if only we believe and try hard enough.

Unfotunately (or fortunately?), 24 years on this earth has thought me at least one very important thing, you never know what you'll get. You plan and you dream and you work and you hope but most of the time you'll be very much surprised by the turn of events.

The disappointments, the failures, the hopelessness, the wanting-to-give-up, the why-does-everything-seems-to-go-wrong, the whatever and what the heck? Hehe.

But so it seems, that the human spirit never ceased to amaze me. You somehow WILL find the strength and the courage to stand up and move on. Because frankly speaking, that's what life really is about don't you think? Moving forward.

And where is our destination? To God. Always to Him. Moving forward to Our Creator. Because in every thing that we do, for every second that we spend on any endeavor, if it doesn't bring us closer to Him, is there any happiness left to hope for?

Here's to a brand new year, with a brand new hope and a renewed sense of faith.

Bring it on 2011!

Saturday, January 01, 2011