This is an Emo entry: avoid at all cost!

I need your support for I realize I am weak.

I DO NOT however, want your judgments.

I judge myself enough, thank you very much.

Stop being so judgmental!

Astagfirullah..

Why not?

Why do you wear a hijab?

Why do you pray?

Why do you believe in One God?

Why are you willing to let go of your own desires for the sake of other people?

Why are you willing to waste your time doing things that you won't see the results now?

Why do you believe in things that other people think is a waste of time?

Why do you hold true to your principles when you feel like no one understands you?

Well I will ask you back... WHY NOT??

When you think about it, you only have one life to prove that you're worth it! You're worth giving the precious life you're living now.

And you always have Him by your side. =)

An interview with God

Disclaimer: Please don't take the God smile, God answered, God replied, God's hand took mine literally ok? Take the good and solid parts, ignore the vague parts. Thank you. =)


I dreamed I had an INTERVIEW WITH GOD.

"So, you would like to interview me?" GOD asked.

"If you have time," I said.

GOD smiled. "My time is eternity... what questions do you have in mind for me?"

"What surprises you the most about humankind?"

GOD answered...

"That they get bored with childhood, that they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again."

"That they lose their health to make money... and then lose their money to restore their health."

"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future."

"That they live as if they would never die, and die as though they had never lived."

GOD's hand took mine... and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked, "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

GOD replied, "To learn they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved."

"To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others."

"To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness."

"To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them."

"To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least."

"To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply do not yet know how to express or show their feelings."

"To learn that two people can look at the same thing, and see it differently."

"To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else you would like your children to know?"

GOD smiled, and said... "Just know that I am here."

"Always."

Ah

The thing is... sometimes I don't know myself anymore.
It's buried under this thing called pride.

Rain of pain

It's really intriguing how the world and humanity revolves with surprising revelation.

Like this week, when I entered Accident & Emergency Posting expecting to confront grumpy, depressed and annoyed-looking specialists only to be catch off-balance by the reality that almost all of them are cheerful, good natured, and totally willing to teach us lowly medical students the art of medicine with precise yet simplistic approach that made me wonder why the heck have I been stressing myself for 4 years thinking that medicine was complicated!

It's calming really, to get to know a group of people who truth be told are the ones working in the most chaotic and exhausting environment, yet can act serene and be unruffled by all the uncertainties surrounding them everyday.

They make fast and accurate decisions that have saved many a life with only the basic cocktail of knowledge, clinical skills and confidence.

They treat all their colleagues and even their subordinates with utmost respect sprinkled with a sparkle of humor that often leave me wondering am I really in the Emergency department?

One resident (or you can call them specialist too) in particular truly inspired me with his stories from weeks volunteering in Bam, Iran (click here) during an earthquake disaster. And to add at that, he is also a poet, "and a truly damn good poet at that!". His words, not mine. But apparently, after googling his name, I would say that he is damn good.

So here's to Dr. Alzamani Mohammad Idrose, a truly idealistic and caring doctor. One day, may I follow your very foot steps to bring hope for less disdain and meaning that many will gain.

Through the rain of pain

Through the rain of pain
stain of disdain
and plains of strain

One must seek to gain
Life, even in just one grain
No matter how much is the rain of pain

One must seek to give
What one can, for others to live
No matter how short or how brief

One must seek to care
And let them live to dare
breathe better and have more to share

One must seek to hope
And help to cope
So as they fall, they find a rope

In all these pain, disdain and strain
There is always sunshine after the rain
There is always hope for less disdain
and meaning that many will gain

Alzamani Mohammad Idrose
7 Februari 2005
Hospital Kuala Lumpur

A fleeting heartbeat away

They say a parent's love is unconditional even though the manifestation of that love may vary for different people. From the moment you were conceived, love is something that comes so naturally to them that you may wonder where did all this affection come from in the first place?

So there. Love, a natural thing that comes entangled within the bond between parents and children.

But to be proud of your children? Now that's a very different story altogether. To claim with ardent fervor that no matter what your child does or have done, be it admirable or degrading to you, you will always stand firm cheering them all the way through.

If I am a failure, will my parents still be proud of who I am?

If I have never entered medical school, if I was only a waitress in a dangly old cafe, will my parents still boast to others about my life as if it was on a silver platter?

If I am a drug addict, will my parents still be proud of the confident and strong person I once were?

If I have never once did anything that made them proud of me by their standard, will they still be there beside me to say that they will always support me where ever I go?

And for all there is to think of, will they still love me the same as the person I am now?

In the end, you can only be thankful of what you already have.

Finding myself?

When we were babies, everything in this world seemed interesting and colorful. We reached out for objects handed to us like a group of ants devouring a mountain of chocolate cookies. It never felt like a stupid thing to do to stuff everything we could grasp with our hands into our mouth because back then nothing we do felt stupid.

We grew up, never afraid of growing up because there was so much to learn and discover. We said the darnest thing we can think of and laughed along when people laughed at us because back then we didn't really think that much about what people thought. Life was happy being just the person we were.

We started to see ourselves as who we would become in ten years time, in twenty years time. We dream big, we fought hard. We had great ambitions and we made up visions to go along with it, we made plans we thought we could carry out.

Along the way we learn that things seldom turn out the way we want it to be.

Why am I telling you all this? For the mere fact that even tough we face reality right smack in front of us, time and time again we try to fool ourselves against the very truth that is as real as the sun rising up from the east everyday for the past millions of years.

In the end, we force ourselves to get on with our life, the life that is now not and never will be what we have always dreamed it will be when we were once very young and gullible.